Short story: the greatest swordsman (as submitted for the Cozy Quill Fantasy Writing Competition)

The greatest swordsman alive was on his way to defeat the demon king. What he didn’t know was that he was going to die at the end. A short fantasy story.

As some of you know, back in July I entered the Cozy Quill Fantasy Writing Competition hosted by the one and only Tamsin G.

I had a lot of fun writing my short story. And while I didn’t win, this was a great opportunity to use my story as a learning tool (I also promised to post it here for you!)

Today in Narrative Baggage…

I want to share with you the first short story of this publication.

It will serve as a checkpoint to see how much I’ve improved as a writer when I look back. And I’ll be doing an analysis of the things that could be improved now that I’m not drunk with excitement and itching to meet a deadline.

What this article is about:

• Short story: the greatest swordsman (as submitted in the contest)

• Analysis: what could be improved

Author’s note ✍

When I first came up with the concept for this story, I had just woken up from a very melancholic dream. In the beginning, I thought about making this short story a novella or novel.

I didn’t have enough material to make it a full book. But I definitely wanted this story to go out into the world. So I shelved it and promised myself I would work on it once my book (the one I’m currently writing and the one that takes priority) is out.

Things changed when I entered the contest and read the prompts. The first thing I thought was The Greatest Swordsman. And here we are.

I hope you enjoy it!

A note on content warnings, as Li Mitchell has made me understand the importance of them.

Content warnings⚠️ (just so you know what you’re getting into): character death and some battle violence.

Short story: the greatest swordsman

The greatest swordsman alive was on his way to defeat the demon king. What he didn’t know was that he was going to die at the end.

The sky above the floating castle had a dusk consistency that didn’t resemble the hour of the day. And while getting inside had been easy, it didn’t make the thundering of the party’s hearts any calmer.

An archer, a healer, a knight, and the greatest swordsman alive had found the magical entrance under the floating castle. Had found the secret entrance to its walls. And, of course, had avoided the tiles that opened the floor of the main dining hall, launching them down to the space below.

Or well, the greatest swordsman had done it.

He had found the stones that activated the magical portal to the castle. He had guided them to an entrance covered in vines. And he had instructed them to avoid the light gray tiles that looked identical to all the other gray tiles in the dining hall.

He was the greatest swordsman alive after all.

The staircase to the throne room spiraled upward, and the boots of the party echoed with every step. A feeling of dread settled on everyone. Because when the echo stopped, silence would announce another battle. One they were all expecting, yet not ready for.

Thud… Thud… Thud… Thud…

The greatest swordsman held his short sword with a steady hand in front of him.

Thud… Thud…

He was always at the front of the party.

Thud… Thud… Thud…

The demon king wouldn’t get to the healer if the greatest swordsman could prevent it.

Thud.

But his resolve was short-lived as a shadow fell from above, grabbing the healer by the neck and launching him through a high window that opened to the sky outside.

The greatest swordsman turned on his heels in a flash, followed by the archer, who jumped back. He needed the distance to at least be able to attack. The knight wasn’t as lucky. A bronze hand with long black nails was coming out of his chest… and through the armor.

The knight fell, giving the archer, who was already drawing an arrow, and the greatest swordsman a better view of the man before them.

He was too tall.

His hands mirrored claws.

And the smile, with lower canines protruding from it, promised a long battle.

A myriad of arrows flew from the archer’s bow in quick succession. Magical arrows that bounced through the room until they found their target. But said target knew better than to only dodge. So, the demon king ducked as the greatest swordsman sliced through the air he had occupied, and kicked him away.

Before the archer released his second batch of arrows, the demon king threw a wooden table that was missing a leg. The archer dodged with ease, but he didn’t see the fourth broken leg directed at the spot where he landed.

The magical arrows stopped bouncing in the throne room, and the greatest swordsman clenched his teeth. The massacre had been swift.

He swung his sword with the expertise of someone much older and more experienced than him.

But the demon king refused to engage.

For hours or what felt like days, the greatest swordsman swung his sword without meeting his target. And when human limitations started to wear on his body, the demon king disarmed him with a single swipe of his hand. And pivoted behind the greatest swordsman.

A scream resounded through the castle walls.

The demon king’s arm hooked around his neck, and a hand was pushing forcibly at the side of his head. The greatest swordsman clawed at it. But he was unarmed. In need of a sword.

A mirror across the hall caught them both. And the greatest swordsman caught something in the face of the demon king that made him stop. Something he didn’t get to think about for long.

Snap.

* * *

A young man opened his eyes and grieved a dream he couldn’t remember well. A tall man pointing at his sword and laughing because he had done something foolish with it.

It felt lifetimes away.

A tear had formed in the corner of his eye. The young man brushed it off, put on his armor, and grabbed his favorite sword. One with a ruby encrusted in the handle.

Today, he was going to be proclaimed the greatest swordsman alive.

He knelt before the queen with his party. Just like numerous parties had done before. A bard, a hunter, and a thief were to accompany him to defeat the demon king.

And while the trip promised dread and misery, a musical companion raised the party’s spirits.

Oh, the greatest swordsman alive

The world itself birthed him to thrive

Three years of swordsmanship had been enough

To make this young man impossibly tough

What the greatest swordsman alive didn’t know was that he was going to die at the end.

May he save this weary, dark land

May the demon king fall by his hand

The sky above the floating castle and the land below hadn’t known the sun for years. But getting inside the castle, even while shrouded in darkness, had been easy.

Magical stones, a wood door covered in vines, and tiles that launched the heroes to their death.

All obstacles were cleared efficiently… by the greatest swordsman alive, of course.

The party felt every footstep on the spiral stairs to the throne room, but no one dared to even breathe out. Before they reached the top of the stairs, the greatest swordsman looked up. He had a feeling he needed to check above before continuing.

Nothing.

The expanse of the throne room was dark with tattered curtains that did nothing against the eerie cold. Skeletons lined the walls and adorned the floors. The remnants of parties that had come before.

The greatest swordsman fixed his eyes on a broken high window to his right. It made his stomach turn in a way that had nothing and everything to do with what awaited him.

A flash of red cut through the air as the handle of the ruby sword moved. The blade met with the demon king’s black claws, producing a screech of metal against something that was different from flesh. The man. No. The creature in front of him resembled humanity…but just barely.

The bard sang a divine song.

The hunter prepared his twin blades.

And the thief started throwing daggers.

And while the fight was going well, things took a turn when the demon king decided to silence the divine interference that had slowed him down.

The bard was the first.

The hunter followed.

And the thief didn’t get a chance to scream.

But the greatest swordsman prevailed.

He met the demon king with every lunge. Dodged every counterattack. And continued on a disciplined strike that the demon king couldn’t quite keep up with. Not after hearing that divine song. And the greatest swordsman knew it.

Swordsmanship had always felt easy. Like putting on an old pair of shoes that would never stop fitting. Like a dance he knew well enough to perform, but not to teach.

A grunt escaped the demon king as he held his ruined middle section.

Victory was just a single thrust away. A victory that would save the world itself. Humanity. Tomorrow. It was significant, paramount even, that the greatest swordsman kept his current pace.

But the greatest swordsman put his dominant foot forward. No, that was wrong. Then, he slightly bent his knees and positioned his body sideways. There was still time to change positions. To change course. To correct the mistake.

And the greatest swordsman lunged forward with the ruby sword extended in one arm. Going for a powerful last lunge.

A mistake.

The demon king smirked and moved with a swiftness he hadn’t been showing in the last few moments of the battle. Away from the strike and into a counter that knocked the sword from the greatest swordsman’s hand.

Clank.

The greatest swordsman had done something foolish with his sword, which fell and skidded under a fallen pillar.

It was over again.

And the greatest swordsman’s death was painless and swift, as always.

* * *

A young man woke up in a world tucked in darkness. He’d had a dream. No. A nightmare about a man with fiery determination in his chestnut eyes. A man who had decided to leave and not be stopped by anything or anyone.

The young man stirred against the tree where he was sleeping.

Someone he didn’t know leaving wasn’t a nightmare. But it felt like the start of one. It took him a moment to remember where he was and who he was. He was at the foot of the floating castle where the demon king lived, and he was the greatest swordsman alive.

What he didn’t know was that this was the last time.

Above him, the dark sky was constantly split by blue lightning. The only light he had ever known. He’d heard that centuries ago there was this bright ball of fire in the sky. It was warm like fire and promised to keep creatures of the night away.

A mage, an assassin, an alchemist, and the greatest swordsman were determined to see that ball of fire in the sky at least once.

Magic stones, vines, and gray tiles.

All cleared out by the greatest swordsman. Or whoever the world itself hoped would bring salvation.

The spiral stairs, or what was left of them, that led to the throne room, were eerily quiet. As if all sound had been swallowed by the dark.

The greatest swordsman couldn’t name it. But for the first time in his life, he felt like running. Like it wasn’t too late to back away as far as he could from this wicked place. But that wouldn’t do. Because he was the greatest swordsman alive, and he was where the world wanted him to be.

The throne room… was barely a room anymore. Walls had collapsed on the inside. With no roof to speak of. And in the middle of it, on a throne, sat a monstrous figure.

A strike of lightning was enough for the party to gasp at what they saw.

The demon king rose on its two hind legs. Its skin was dark and scaled with long, sharp claws. Its elongated snout was packed with a long row of teeth, sharp enough to kill. And the party hesitated half a second before the hostility began.

The demon king got on its four legs and charged at the group. Jaws open and all.

The party dodged, and the assassin threw her daggers with expert aim. But the skin of the creature was so sturdy, they didn’t pass through. The alchemist tried his best concoctions to no avail. The greatest swordsman clashed with the creature multiple times with no success. And the mage… she kept away, her lips conjuring something.

What should’ve been a world-ending confrontation ensued as a testament to human stubbornness to die.

But eventually, the assassin fell. Then the alchemist.

It was the end.

The greatest swordsman’s fingers didn’t close around the handle of his sword anymore. His breath came out heavier. Steps between strikes took longer. And raising his sword was becoming more a decision than a reflex.

Then, after chanting what was left from her spell, the mage fell.

The greatest swordsman understood immediately what had been done as the monster in front of him started bleeding from old strikes. And the price that had been paid was clear as the mage stopped moving. However, the confrontation wasn’t over.

The monster charged at the greatest swordsman before he could react. The full force of the impact knocked the sword out of his hand and drove his back into a fallen pillar. Blood coated his mouth.

A thunder echoed in the throne room, and rain started pouring. As if the world itself was grieving the end of this tale.

It was over.

The greatest swordsman alive was disarmed.

The monster stood in front of him and raised a dark limb with claws ready to deliver the finishing blow.

But divine providence, a higher power, the world tried. It pushed everything in a last effort. Every detail. Every memory.

The greatest swordsman’s eyes widened in recognition. And tears followed as he beheld a monster with human chestnut eyes.

The demon king saw it. Hesitated at the recognition in the young man’s face.

But the greatest swordsman didn’t.

With a swift movement of what was the last of his stamina. He grabbed the sword under the pillar, a sword with a ruby encrusted in the handle, and delivered the killing blow straight into the demon king’s chest.

For the first time in centuries, what was wrong had been made right.

Something settled in the throne room and beyond the crumbled walls of a floating castle that was starting to descend. Something close to elation at a world that was about to change… for the better.

The greatest swordsman knelt beside the wretched thing he had defeated. The monster that had veiled the sun. The boundless evil that had buried the world in darkness. That had killed, and killed, and killed.

“Can we…” the demon king choked out, blood pooling in his mouth. “Can we… be brothers again? In the next one?”

The greatest swordsman’s jaw tightened, and he closed his fist. The battle had been won. But something much more complex was in conflict inside him. And while there was no perfect response. No concluding words that would do. Silence… was still an answer.

So, when the ancient evil thing he had defeated finally died, the greatest swordsman wept like an infant.

* * *

What followed after the death of the demon king was peace and abundance. The sun shone at its brightest every day, making up for all those years of darkness. Kingdoms sent help to lands where hunger had ravaged citizens.

A feeling of camaraderie and human compassion made parties across the land go on quests to help villages under unfair ruling.

Humanity had survived thanks to the greatest swordsman and a party of heroes who gave their lives in this tale.

But as centuries passed, the greatest swordsman’s tale became a nursery rhyme. And at the top of a cliff in a small cottage at the outskirts of the city, two brothers laughed, chasing each other and chanting the story of the greatest swordsman alive.

Analysis: what could be improved

Before I go into what I think should be improved, I need to give myself some credit. I think I did a good job of showing and telling in this piece. I wanted to exercise a lot of restraint here when it came to the emotional moments, so you could piece together what was happening instead of the narrator telling you.

I also liked the use of narrative voice for this one. The narrator told the story and followed the parties along the way. But they were opinionated. Even as an observer, it was clear that the narrator wanted the greatest swordsman to win.

For the point of view, I chose third person omniscient. The narrator knew what was going to happen in the first and second loop. The greatest swordsman was going to die. But then it’s implied the narrator didn’t know what was going to happen in the third loop. They only knew that it was the last time.

Flow and pacing are doing good work of leading me from one sentence to the other even on a re-read. I also made sure to check readability levels to make it more accessible.

Now, onto what I like to call opportunities for improvement:

1. The most glaring thing is that the story was too ambitious for just 2,500 words, which was the limit of the contest. It had reincarnation mechanics, dreams, and emotional scenes that needed to hit. Most successful short stories have a tight scope.

2. There wasn’t much dialogue, just one beat by the demon king. This was a stylistic choice, but at the same time, dialogue is an important piece of storytelling.

3. Action starts too early, which may be a flaw by design. Because of the loops, I had to create choreography for three different fights with little word budget.

4. My characters weren’t likable in the sense that they didn’t have/need charm. My story is more plot-driven, but I feel that giving my characters more interiority would’ve made some scenes land harder.

5. The last emotional scene of the brothers didn’t hit as hard as I intended it to. I wanted it to hit harder!!!

6. In the second act, the greatest swordsman almost wins but makes a mistake. It was a good storytelling choice, but that scene needed to feel like an “almost” more sharply.

7. There were a few clunky sentences that interrupted the flow on a few occasions. Like this one: “He needed the distance to at least be able to attack.” Now that I read it back, I don’t like it.

I’ll probably notice more things in a year as I get better. But this is a story that I genuinely enjoyed writing. Sometimes I still think about it, so I’m glad I gave it its place.

Hope this analysis was helpful and that reading it made you want to be kinder to your own drafts.

And scene

If you made it this far, you probably read the entire story. Thank you so much :)

What did you think? I’d love to hear what you noticed.

Did anything land?

Did you have a specific interpretation?

Also, don’t forget to check out the stories from the Cozy Quill Fantasy Contest winners and give them some love!

Take care and keep writing. ✍️